Growin' Up I Hope

A work in progress

2010-06-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

So the last few days I have not been feeling very well so needless to say my diet has suffered. I have been skipping meals and eating about once a day again. But I am feeling much better now and am ready to get right back on track! Today I made my first Strawberry daiquiri (virgin of course) and it is very good. I used 4 large strawberries and 2 small ones. I squeezed about 1/4th of a lemon in the blender and added some ice, diet Canada dry Gingerale, and some 0 calorie sugar (about 1/4th cup.)So all in all it turned out to be delicious with very low calories. I am having trouble trying to figure out what kind of exercise plan I want to do... I wish there was a gym close to here or a personal trainer to kick my ass into gear. I get so bored at home doing the same old boring routines. Oh well, I will get it figured out. But to sum things up I am feeling better and can't wait to start losing weight again! As of today I am 221lbs, so yeah.

Fathers Equality Rights

2010-01-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

So I have a story about a father and child who are in great need of each other but are being torn apart by a jaded ex. To begin the child is of a very young age and is still very easily molded and shaped, which in my opinion means that he needs both parents to be shaped properly. The father of this child is desperate to have him in his life, but doesn't know where to begin. The short amount of time spent with his father is stained with the disdain put upon him by the jaded ex. The child begins to tell the father that he is going to call him by his first name and that a different man is to be called daddy. (The exes boyfriend) The child also explains to his father that "mommy says I don't have to listen to you... I live at my mommy's house and I don't have to listen to what you say." Now I am going to keep this short because I don't want to get into too many details, but would one be safe to assume that the child in this scenario is being alienated from the father? I may be wrong here, I know that most people assume that the mother should be the one to spend most of the time with her child. But is it not only fair that the father, whom might I add is willing to share custody so as not to keep the child from the mother, should be able to have equal time with the child? I really want to help my friend out in this situation, but I don't know how. I really hope that the american justice system doesn't let us down on this one. 50/50 all the way!

Let me tell ya...

2009-08-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a look back at your life and wondered what you have become? I am afraid that even at this young age, I am letting life slip through my fingers. I remain submissive and timid to the point that it is severely impacting my relationships with people; Not only personally but in everyday confrontations with others. I used to pride myself on being polite, kind, and having the ability of being articulate, but it has not gotten me very far. Strangers look at me like I am from another world when I speak to them, or they laugh at the way I express myself. I love the idea of just being myself and brushing it all off, but the fact of the matter is that I have to change with society, I have to adapt to the way that people understand eachother and the way they communicate. I am not getting anywhere in life by "being myself" a change is necessary. I do sometimes feel like I am from another world, as if I am looking upon people as if the way they speak, act, and understand eachother is foreign to me. I look around and see people who are surrounded by friends... I see them laughing and talking about the memories that they have made in life and about their plans for the future, and I think to myself, why don't I have such strong bonds with people. Why do I always feel like I am inferior to everyone I know. I always feel like everyone is silently judging me and hating me. I know that it is very childish of me to think that way, but I feel like their eyes are just radiating apathy toward me. I am 23 years old now and I have gotten no where in life, I don't have close relationships with anyone and I realize that I am holding myself back. I know it is up to me to find out how to overcome these "anxieties" in life. I want to grow, I want to learn, and most of all I want to be normal and accepted.

Profile

2009-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

I worked really hard on this, I am a terrible artist, so it took me FOREVER to finish. You can click on it to enlarge it. :D

I am concussed

2009-07-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

So okay here is what happened. I was at work, well outside work, by the dumpsters and I was just waiting to go into work. A lady came out to dump some trash, so I thought that it would be wise of me to swiftly get out of the way. As I stood up, I knocked my head off of the giant metal dumpster door. I thought OH CRAP!! And I quickly grabbed my head and apologized for being in the way to begin with. Then I casually went inside and got to work. After about five minutes I began feeling dizzy, which I ignored. Then my eyes started tearing up, so I went to clean them. But they kept tearing and I had to keep going to the sink, by the fry hop, to clean them. The last time I went over to clean my eyes, I started getting really dizzy and then I started shaking frantically. I was shaking so hard, and so dizzy that I fell to the ground and started vomiting, I tried begging for a garbage can, but no one was paying attention to the crazy girl's, gargling on the floor, words. I am pretty sure they were more concerened with who was going to have to clean up the vomit, tears, and snot dripping from my face. Well anyways, I couldn't get out the word's I wanted to without sounding crazy. I ended up having to go to the hospital, on the way Nathan kept having to wake me from trying to go to sleep, man was I tired. Anyways, I had a catscan and they said everything was fine in my brains, so they gave me tylenol and sent me home. When I got home, I slept like crazy and the next day I had a mirgrane that I could feel through my entire face, head, neck, jaw, eyeballs, and well everywhere, and let me tell you, it hurt like crazy. I ended up going to the doctor because of the pain and the fact that I was still vomiting. The doctor gave me some other medicine and that sort of helped, but I found that it mostly just made me sleep for about two days straight. But anyways, I am much better now and I go back to work tomorrow, so that is good. I guess that is all.

WacArnolds

2009-07-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

So I just started work today at McDonalds and it sucks. But oh well at least they are going to pay me so whatev. Anyways, Indi's Birthday party is coming up soon and I am getting ready to send out some invites, so that is good. Okay that is all.

2009-06-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

Blargle Gargle

2009-06-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Beh, I don't have much to say today except.... INDI STARTED WALKING!!! HAHAHA!!! I am so proud of her, she is getting sooooooo big! :D WOOT! Okay that is all.

Corporate Swine

2009-06-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have heard the term "corporate swine" quite a few times in my life, but I never really paid too much attention to it, frankly because it didn't really have anything to do with my immediate life, but now I have come to realize that corporate swine hits me where it hurts. I am talking about Delmarva Power. For those of you who don't know, Delmarva Power is the one and only electric company that supplies power to the lower eastern shore of Maryland. (that I have been given awareness of) I am so sick at the thought that we do not have any other options but to let them shovel piles of money out of our pockets each month. I understand that they are doing us a service, but it is my belief that, being that there is no other option that has been offered to us, that they have gotten overly greedy. The reasoning behind my loathing for this company stems from the outrageous amount of money that they wanted for a security deposit when we first moved to Ocean City; they wanted 300 some dollars just so that we could have power. At first we thought, "fine, understandable, they need that money so that if we can't pay they can use some of the deposit to make up for that and it should roll over when we move. But NO, this was not the case... It turned out that the bills we were getting each month were adding up to about 400 some dollars. Not only were we paying for light and our other electricity needs, we were paying for heat, and that is where they really screwed us. See there is no gas heat, so of course, there is no other option. Well back to what I was saying, being that the monthly bills were almost half of Nathan's biweekly pay and we had so many other bills we, of course could not afford to pay. We did our best to send in what we could, but to no avail, it was never enough to keep the shut off notices at bay. We were over drafting and borrowing money just to try to keep food in our mouths and keep warm in the cold winter months. When we placed a call to Delmarva Power they were of no help, they would not allow us to do a payment plan and did not offer us any names of services that may be able to help us. While in Ocean City we were late on every months bill, but we still had stock in our security deposit, or so we thought... In April, we moved to Salisbury and we made a phone call to Delmarva Power to see about transferring our electric to our new apartment. It turned out that it was not an option to just transfer our service, we had to pay a whole new deposit, due to the fact that we were unable to keep up with our electric bills in the past. But this time they wanted 400 some dollars! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They are pretty much saying "I see that you cannot afford your monthly bills, but because you are sooooo fricken poor, we are going to charge you more money that you cannot afford so as to keep you in our greedy trap." Maybe this seems logical to some people, and maybe I am missing something here, but I am sick at the thought that we are going to have to pay these bastards. It makes me want to vomit! So Dear Delmarva Power, you are corporate swine and I hope that you end up like Enron when the world comes to realize your sick game. (Old reference, I know, but I couldn't think of a good example.) Ugh! I guess I just had to get that out. On a side note, this is just my opinion from a one sided point of view. I realize that I don't know everything about this company, but I am entitled to my freedom of speech, and whats more I am entitled to be pissed off that you are robbing my family of feeling secure in our own home. So thanks for nothing Delmarva Power.

Consumer Advocate

2009-06-07T18:27:00.001-07:00

In my search for the best diapers for Indiana I have found that Huggies are the VERY best! I tried parents choice and those are chinsey, I guess the price kind of makes up for that, but none the less they are not good overnight diapers. LUVS are also very bad they don't fit a babies body properly and they just don't cut it. As for Pampers... don't waist your money. They are expensive, but I have found that price doesn't always make a product the best. When wearing Pampers, an active baby is just going to wear them right out. Almost everytime I go to change Indi's diaper I find that the diaper has fallen apart. So for anyone searching for a GREAT diaper for their baby choose Huggies!

Good God

2009-03-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's pretty late and alas I am still awake. I think I am just full of excitement because Nathan is here! :D Right now it is 3:02 AM.... I suppose that I am feeling pretty good as of lately. I am just sitting here drinking a Smirnoff and listening to Sublime and waiting for the sleepies to come and get me. I am telling you what, I am feeling soooo stress free right now and that is not the alcohol talking. lol. Like I previously posted I feel so liberated and I am going to stay this way. Today there was a test because some people were saying some really mean things about the way I parent Indiana and Nathan was upset about it... but I brushed it off and told him not to worry about it. Before I would just internalize what those people were saying and I would have cried for hours if not days. LOL how PATHETIC! GOD I FEEL GOOD! I don't know what exactly sent me over the edge, maybe just a compilation of years of misery finally just exploded at a single moment. It doesn't matter though because I am glad it happened. I am never going back. EVER! I can breath now. My mind is beginning to work again. It is ridiculous how bogged down I have been. I don't know if anyone quite understands what I am feeling right now, but that's okay. WOOHOO!! Well anyways.... just wanted to say I am doing well and that is all. PEACE!

I'm Done

2009-03-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am so done! I am done trying to please everyone. SCREW 'EM! You know what I think... I think that I am a great mother and will soon be a great wife. I don't need other peoples acceptance to know that. For all my life I've worried so much about everyone else. "Oh what can I do for you?" "Oh should I change my whole life for you?.... okay" I have been such a loser and a pushover and I am finished with it! I don't know what made me ever think that I had to keep everyone happy. I am just killing myself. UGH! I gave it some thought and you know what.... I know who I am now. I am just me. The reason I have felt so lost for so frickin' long is because I have always tried to look at myself through other people's eyes... so frickin' stupid. I AM DONE!! From now on I am a new person.... I am Samantha Jo Lucas and if you think I'm a bitch, well screw you I don't care. I love my family and the way my life is going and I love my friends. I feel so liberated!!!!!!!! That is all.

2009-02-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

I miss Nate too. :(

2009-02-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

I miss Bubby. :'(

Catching Up

2009-02-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

Well I am so glad to be here for the next couple of weeks. I am looking forward to catching up with everyone. I have been so bad at that. I love all of my friends dearly and I don't wish to make anyone feel as if I don't... I just feel like most of the time I am not a very exciting person and I don't know if I have anything to say. I don't want to bore the death out of everyone. I feel like I am such an awkward person, you know... I don't know how to behave very well in social situations. The truth is I don't really know who I am after all this time of being alive. It is funny, all my life I went around picking up the traits of the people that surrounded me and I moved around so much that I was always trying to make up new personalities to see if people would actually like me, but when it came down to it and people approached me I didn't know how to behave unless I had previously taken the time to closely "study" them. I like to spend most of my time listening. I think that that is one good quality that I have. I believe I have perfected the art of listening. I understand the way things are said, the tone, the look in the eyes, the body language, and the way the face emotes. Once I have spent some time "studying" a person I feel more comfortable with actually having a conversation. But with my close friends so much time has passed that I don't know how to behave anymore. I guess most people would just tell me to "JUST BE YOU" but the truth is I don't know how. I am not sure, like I said before, who 'I' am... I am a little bit of everything and everyone that has come across my life. I guess the best way to describe how I am is very analytical and always curious... That is all I can think of that is a constant with my so called personality. I don't know what I want out of life and I don't know if I ever will. I always just kind of roll with the punches and try to keep my crazies at bay. Blah... Alright enough with the babbling. I love all of my friends very much and I want to do my very best to maintain that friendship. :D It will require a bit of work from myself, but I will try. Maybe when taxes come we can get a cheap computer or something. That would make it much easier. I am not very good on the phone, so a computer would be best. :P Well that is all that I have for today.

fatty

2009-02-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

So Nathan went home today because he has to work tonight and I already miss him. It is much easier though now that I am not pregnant for him to be gone. Granted I am still a little sad but not crazy depressed like I was when I was pregnant. lol. Anyways, I don't have to go to the library here to use the computer because Mike and Ali have one at their house. I don't really have too much to say. I saw Christa, Sterling, and Terra yesterday and that was fun. Later in the evening My Christa and Terra came over here to visit which was fun. Indiana is having trouble coping with being in a new environment, I am really hoping that after a few more days she will feel a little bit better about being here. I have a birthday party for Evan to go to today. I hope that Indi enjoys it. I miss my brother Brian a lot. I hope that he is happy. I am assuming he is because he always has a pretty positive outlook about things. I am proud of him all the time but I still miss him. It is nice being back in town, but it sucks that I don't have a car or anything. Winter sucks for going places, especially with Indi, because I have to get her bundled up really well and make sure that I have a blanket over the stroller so that she doesn't get chilled by the wind. But anyways, I am hoping to lose about 50 lbs before the wedding, I think that if I try really hard I can attain my goal. I already went to the grocery store and got a bunch of good for you food or whatever. I just have to get myself to exercise. I am also trying to quit smoking soon... I got some of those patch thingys and I hope that they do the trick. :D I have to teach myself to stick to my goals. I am not exactly sure how, but I guess I just have to keep telling myself that these things are good for me and for Indi in the long run. I don't think she would be very happy to have a lazy fatass as a mother. I guess when you have kids these things become more important. I have so much that I want to do with her and it is important that I keep working towards my goals. I have never been very good at that sort of thing, but I am going to try really hard. After my cigarettes are gone I won't be able to get anymore anyways because I spent all my money on my groceries for the next few weeks. So that is helpful in not smoking. I was thinking that after they are gone I will keep myself from asking anyone for a smoke. I am going to just keep telling myself that it is important for my future as a wife and mother. Exercising on the other hand.... I haven't figured out how I am going to get my fat ass in the mood to do it. I don't have much ambition. But I was thinking maybe all the good food that I have now will give me more energy than what I am used to having from all the fatty unhealthy foods that I have always eaten. I also bought some hoodia which hopefully will speed things up for me. I hate that I let myself get this way. It started in Florida when I got my first job at McDonalds and ate there every day and from then on I just started gaining and gaining. Then I lost a bunch of weight a few years later, leading my friends to think that I was anorexic or something, which I wasn't, but then I gained it all back again. I just keep getting lazier and lazier. Ugh what is wrong with me. Anyways, I just have to get a new way of thinking and hopefully everything will work out. Well that is all for now.

Wedding Day Blues

2009-02-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

Well I am finally back in Coudersport for a couple of weeks which is pretty cool. :D I have soooo much work to do while I am here! I have to replan Nathan's and my wedding. What a catastrophe that has become. It is funny how you think that it will be such a wonderful experience to marry the person that you are in love with but lately it has become hell. We were planning to marry in Ocean City, and we were getting everything ready and we were very excited, but then we got a call on the phone from Nathans aunt Nelly and she was saying that nobody could afford to come down and this and that, but I am not going to get into great detail about that, but anyways, we started thinking that we were selfish and that everybody here had come to a concesus of that. We didn't want to be selfish and have everybody spend money they didn't have or to be mad at us. So I called everybody up and cancelled everything. I don't know maybe it is just my general paranoia that everyone hates me and that I just want to please them all. Well anyways, as I said we ended up canceling everything down in Maryland and decided to replan the wedding for Coudersport. We really thought that that would make everyone happy and they wouldn't think we were so selfish. But then come to find out, after we changed all the plans, that everyone is planning to come down to Ocean City anyways... so we start getting calls from a bunch of people saying oh why don't you just have the wedding down there and blah blah blah. Not only that but Nelly, the originator of the reason we canceled everything is all like... "I don't understand why they don't just have the wedding down there, it will be cheaper for them rather than coming all the way up here." UGH!! In my opinion, she originally just wanted us to get married at the G-Tab and that is why she created such a fuss about it in the first place and after I explained to her that I am in no way going to get married at the G-Tab or by anyone from the G-Tab she suddenly changes her opinion about us being selfish and getting married here. AHHHHHH! You know it would make me feel like a real asshole to cancel everything down in Maryland call all my family and tell them that things have changed and I will have to reinform them when the wedding will take place and where and then call everyone back and be like "My bad LOL JK the wedding is still on sorry I keep going back and forth on this, hope I didn't ruin any plans you made for that time. LOLZ" I mean that would make me a real asshole for sure. UGH! I feel like I am constantly arguing with myself and that I can never please anyone. I don't know. I guess I should have just stuck with the original plan and not cancelled everything. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am always thinking that everyone hates me or is out to get me. I don't know why.... I really just want everyone to like me and I want to please everyone. But I guess no one can really do that. I wish I were not so paranoied all the time. I think life would be a whole lot easier that way. I don't like to think that I am crazy, but I guess I am just one big box of crazy! Anyhow... I was really angry when I found out that everyone was deciding to come down anyways and wanted us to just get married down there. It really hurt my feelings that some people would first take the time to make me feel bad about the cost of coming down and that it was taking away from their time and then go on to say how we shouldn't have cancelled the plans. I suppose I should just get over it but it really bothers me. Ugh! Well anyways that is the past and I am now going to be planning a wedding for up here in Coudersport. I have to start fresh of course. But first things first I have to book a wedding venue. So I will just start from there. In other news I found out that I cannot get my driving permit because of truency issues I had in the EIGHTH grade! I swear that this is the dumbest shit I have ever heard of. But apparently I was supposed to fill out some form of agknowledgement of suspension and send that in and serve a suspension of nine months before I could get my permit. OMFG I WAS THIRTEEN! First of all this makes no sense because I was a minor child and I could not be held responsable for filling out forms without my mothers consent. Secondly it should have been stricken from my record when I turned eighteen almost 5 years ago! Anyways so now they want me to fill out the form I was talking about and serve a suspension of nine months before I can be considered to even take a permit test in Maryland. Then after I get my permit in Maryland I would have to wait six more months to take a class that consists of like 60 hours before I can take my drivers test to get my actual drivers license. I am going to be almost twenty five before that happens if I can't get this whole mess figured out. But I am working on that right now. Well I gave you all the bad news, I guess I should try for some good.... Indiana is doing great she is so smart and strong. She started crawling and climbing and she does this new thing where she will reach up to Nate or me so that we will pick her up. She also sits up all on her own. She loves listening to music and she is very good at playing with her toys. She used to just eat them, but now she shows interest in what her toys do. I am glad that I can at least have two good things in my life that are a constant. I think it keeps me from going completely off the edge. Well anyways, I am done now.

It's Official!

2008-10-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Well okay it is official we have finally found a place to live in Ocean City Maryland! And it just so happens that it is a really good deal. At first we were going for something that is a year round rental, but then we thought that it would be better to get a winter rental for now so that we know what our finances are going to look like. Winter rentals are a whole hell of a lot cheaper, so we think this is the best course of action for now. Other than that, we just have to find child care for Indi so that I can start working as well. I will try to keep you updated. I hope you like the condo.... It's right on the beach. :D

Doo Doo Doo

2008-10-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Okay so I guess I have some news about what has been going on lately. Man I am so lame, I don't know why I don't try to keep up with this bloggy thing. Well anyways... Nate and I finally figured out where we will be going for his work. For a while we thought that we were going to move to Horseheads or Elmira New York, but I guess that he changed his mind, but that is okay too. Anyways... So we decided on Ocean City Maryland. He will be working in Salisbury MD at Peidmont airlines. The cool thing is that we get flight benifits where we get to fly for free or a small fee to almost anywhere in the world. :D So that is pretty exciting. First place I think I am going to go is FORT MYERS FL!!!! :D I miss my family down there. Do you know that it has been 6 LOOOOOOOOONG years since I have seen them? Well actually I saw Scott not to long ago and Angie came up quite a few years ago, but none the less. I'm not embarressed to admit that I miss my Daddy!! I can't wait to go down there. And I guess since Bubby is moving to Georgia I will have to make trips down there too. :D We found a couple of nice places in the paper that we will be taking a look at this weekend. There is this one beach cottage that sounds particularly nice that I just can't wait to see. :D In other news, Indi is growing quite steadily. She is so strong and funny! She will lay on mommy's chest and pick up her head and push herself up with her little feet. It is so cute. But today was a sad day in our lives... Indiana had to go to the doctor to get her 2 month shots. Let me tell you she was not very happy about it! :( But she is handling it like a trooper. She is a still sore and has a little fever, but it is going down. Right now she is having some Daddy time. <3 Nate is an excellent father, I wish that the whole world could see how wonderful he is with her. She has the most beautiful smile and an adorable little giggle. She likes to coo a lot which is just darling. To continue on with the news. I chopped all my hair off and I look SUPERFLY!! lol. No I like it though. It is weird though having to actually take time to do my hair now, otherwise it will be all over the place. I haven't really lost too much weight since having Indiana, but I am hoping to do some work on that. I NEED RELACORE... well actually I have some, but it will do me no good up here where I don't really have any room to exercise. I am too embarrassed to go to a gym or try running outside, not that I would be very successful at that with my lungs and SUPER FAT, but none the less... EMBARRASSED to be in public. But I have to do something if I want to rock an awesome Beach Body. lol. OMG Indiana loves the sand, we took her down to Maryland a few days ago and let her put her little feet in the dry sand and she had the biggest smile as she was stamping her feet excitedly in the sand. She doesn't really take a liking to the wet sand though. She just kind of furrowed her eyebrows and made her fussy face. You know what is amazing? Well maybe not to you people, but amazing to me anyway; I have grown so accustomed to Indiana that I know what her crys mean and I can anticipate her needs. I feel so close to this very little person and it just seems so amazing to me. I mean people don't think about it but all babys do is cry, they can't express they're needs and wants the way we can, yet we as mothers and fathers still understand this almost neolithic speech. It has a lot to do with facial expressions and the sound of their cry and coos. For example there is a distinct difference between Indiana's hungry cry and her lonely cry and I imidiately know how to cater to them. I am sure that no one else finds this to be THAT amazing, but I do. You know something? Out of all the decisions I have made in my life... being a mother was the best decision I could have possibly ever made. I am sure that some people thought that it was a stupid decision on my part because I am normally very irresponsable and selfish, but I think that I am doing a great job being a mommy and I would give my body, soul, and mind for Indiana. She has stolen my heart and I am glad. Of course I am also very lucky to have Nathan in my life. He is my other half, yet still my everything. We work as a team, a great team, a winning team. He finds a way every day to make me smile even when I am in the fussiest of moods. I try and do the same for him. I feel bad a lot of the time because I do not feel as if I deserve such a wonderful man in my life. I am not always very pleasant to him and I feel that he deserves to have someone who is wonderful all the time. I know that that is probably an impossible feat even for the most positive person, but I can't help feeling like I am not good enough for him. I wish I could make everyone understand what a wonderful man he is, but I just don't have the words to express it. You know something? I have heard this saying that "love is not selfish" but I think that that is untrue. I think love is the most selfish thing there is. I mean you completely depend on this other person to help bring you happiness, as does that other person. You want to feel loved and special. You want to feel as if that person is your everything and emotionally gives you everything. I think that is selfish, so very selfish. I mean I know that you give all that back to the other person, but you wouldn't want to be with that person if they didn't give you the emotional satisfaction that you need. It is like it is instilled inside of us to want to be loved and need to be loved. Without that other person you feel hopeless and lonely and you begin to think to yourself that you need them there beside you to make you feel better. If that isn't selfish I don't know what is. But I think that it is a good kind of selfish. It is okay for you to be happy and it is okay for you to make the other person feel comforted and happy with you as well. Blah, I guess I am just rambling on when I am just trying to say that I am the happiest in my life and decisions than I have ever been. It is so nice to feel like I will never regret what I have done. I will never have to look back and say "what if?". It is my belief that if I wouldn't have gone through so much shit, I wouldn't be where I am today. I should never even attempt to think "what if?" because I know that if I changed even the smallest of events I might not have what I have now. I wouldn't give up all the pain I had to endure, the molestation, or the tearing apart of my family. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but I think I had to go through it all to be who I am today. And you know what? Emotionally, I am satisfied for the most part with who I am. And eventually I hope to be fully satisfied. Physically, I still need some work. All that stuff I went through seems to be a distant dream now and a major part of who I am. For the most part I feel that I am intuitive, caring, funny, insightful, smart, empathetic, and always willing to lend an ear and voice to anyone who feels they need someone to talk with. I also think that I am cautious, practical, rational, and understanding of the world around me. I always try to put myself in someone elses shoes. I want to look at things from every angle possible. I don't like to make decisions based on a quick judgement, well unless I get that bad vibe feeling where shivers run down my spine. I believe everyone deserves a chance to be understood. I mean that is what people want, right? I know you get these people who seem to thrive off of being misunderstood, but I still believe that inside they want to be fully understood. Imagine how good that would feel. I don't really know what I am trying to get at here. I am still just rambling... but I have all these thoughts pent up inside me and I just want to get them out. lol. Anyhow Indi is getting hungry so I am going to go take care of her now. Later.

Indiana Akili Sallade

2008-08-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

Isn't she BEAUTIFUL? <3 <3

Hmm

2008-07-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well okay so here I am after about 4 months, posting again. I have been very neglectful of doing this. Oh well, I really haven't had too much to report during these hellish nine months. Lately I have been really down and VERY stressed out. I actually developed a stress induced stutter that is just now slowly starting to get better. I didn't know that could even happen. It started out with me being unable to speak hardly at all because the words wouldn't come out and then progressed into me sounding like Jimmy from 'South Park.' I was in my room last night just lying there trying to get myself to "talk right." Laying in my bed, I repeatedly said out loud t-t-t-t a-a-llll-k-k r-r-iiii-gh-ttt. I got myself so frustrated because I couldn't do it! grr. So I tried for a little while longer but gave up and went to sleep. This morning I am doing much better, and I am hoping that it doesn't get bad again throughout the day. This is the dumbest thing I think I have ever heard of. Anyways, on a good note, Indiana will be born Saturday July 25th! WOOT!! That makes me feel so relieved. I never knew that being pregnant was such a hard and painful chore. Everyone keeps telling me.. "oh the pregnancy is the easy part" but I just can't wrap my mind around that statement. Being pregnant, for me, has been the worst experience of my life. I mean I start out throwing up all the time... fine.. but later in the pregnancy, and they don't tell you this, I am in the most pain every day than I have ever been in my life. I don't think my dislocated elbow can even come close to measuring up to the pain that I go through every day. Maybe all the pain is just because I was obese to begin with, I don't know. All I can think about is how good it is going to feel to be able to get in and out of bed without a problem, to be able to sit on the toilet without pain shooting up my side and back, to be able to sit anywhere for that matter. To be able to cough or sneeze without pissing myself, to be able to walk more than 10 steps without having excruciating pain in my pelvic region. I can't imagine that the lack of sleep and the constant need for mommy is going to be harder than this. That is why I just can't wrap my mind around that statement. There is nothing I want more out of life than to be a mother. I can't wait to get her out and show her how much I love her and teach her everything I can. I am so glad this pregnancy is almost over! I know that even though I complain about the pregnancy, she will be worth every ounce of pain and awfulness that I have gone through. Well that is all for now. Later.

WOOHOO!!! <3 <3

2008-03-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

We went to the doc today and we found out that we are having a GIRL!! WOOT! That is all. :D

Hoorraayy!

2008-03-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

Okay So we have decided the names of both a boy and a girl! For a girl, like I said before we are going to name her Indiana Akili Sallade and for a boy we are going with Dimitri Robert Sallade! WOOT! Okay so that is all. Bye.

Flower Girls and Bridesmaids

2008-03-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

So these are some of the dresses that I liked for flowergirls and Bridesmaids. I don't know if they will still be available by the time we get married, but I really like them. Okay that is all.

Woot!

2008-03-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

Okay so we finally decided on the name for the baby; well for a girl anyway, we are still thinking about a boy, but we have two we are choosing from. For a girl we are going with Indiana Akili Sallade and for a boy we are thinking about Dimitri and Aiden. When we figure out what we are naming a boy I will let you know! We have an appointment on March 11th and we are supposed to find out the sex of the baby! WOOT! I will keep y'all updated, have a good one.

Melissa Etheridge

2008-02-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

There is something about certain songs that just always sends shivers up your spine or can make you feel as if that song was written for your life. I really like this song. I know it is rather old, but I have always loved this song. Everytime I hear it I just want to belt it out!! God I love music!

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest
Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I don't care what they think
I don't care what they say
What do they know about this
love anyway

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

Lookin' Around

2008-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

Just taking some time to check out some wedding dresses! These were my favorites. :D

I still dream

2008-02-22T15:57:00.001-08:00

I want to be a singer. I don't know if that will ever be possible, considering, even I don't have any confidence that I could do it. I don't know. I just wanted to say that. That is all.

Yep

2008-02-19T14:10:00.000-08:00

So I think I am finally over my morning sickies! WOOT! I haven't thrown up in like 4 days now and I am super happy. I went to Dr. Backas and everything was A-Okay with Baby Sallade. It turns out that it is now safe for me to work, so I went and got a jobby at the hospital. It turns out that I am not such a "scab" afterall! I will no longer need to rely on the government for foodstamps and cash assistance. I am hoping they will let me keep my medical, but I doubt it. But that will be okay, because the hospital will probably have pretty good benifits. I am starting out as a call in for long term care, but after a while, I should be able to work myself into a part or full time posistion. Hopefully everything will go well with the baby and he/she won't stop me from working. I think though that everything is going to be alright. In other news, Nathan is leaving for Pittsburgh soon to finish school, which makes me very sad, but I know it will be better for our future together. I think that maybe we will do very well for ourselves after he finishes school and I have the baby. I am hoping to try and continue my work in nursing and further my education, but we will see how things turn out. Well that's all I got. <3

Baby Sallade Ultrasound 1.

2008-02-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

Deletion

2008-02-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

Yep, okay, so that was a bit much.... so nevermind.

Funny

2008-02-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

You tell a baby the brownie is too hot to eat right now, so he screams and points at a trinket, pulls it down and sits it in front of you. What does this trinket say? "Hand over the Chocolate, and nobody gets hurt." I just found that funny.

Names List

2008-01-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

So these are some names that Nate and I looked through and thought might be nice. Let me know what you think!

Keely
Aiden
Akili
Atticus
Cadence
Cassidy
Clover
Cornelius
Demetrius
Dimitri
Emery
Ethan
Euclid
Farrell
Fiona
Gabriel
Genevieve
Gibson
Gideon
Haley
Ian
Indiana
Iris
Jaelyn
Jadyn
Jericho
Jocelin
Jojo
Josephine
Jude
Leyla
Lilly
Maddox
Maddison
Marley
Mei
Mya
Olivia
Phinnaeus
Roxy
Sawyer
Sidney
Sophia
Tegan
Tristan
Xavier

The Terrorists Lost!!!

2008-01-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Well I have come back. I have decided that I shouldn't quit doing something I enjoy just because I am threatened. If I did that..... well then, the terrorists would win! :P Anyways, things have been kind of rough. I have been having a lot of trouble with my pregnancy, but the baby is fine as far as I know. I just have the sickies..... the other day I had a pretty bad anxiety attack, and Matt said that my pulse got up to 111. CRAZY! Well other than the complaints, things have been going well for Nate and I. I can't wait to pop this baby out, get married, and continue living happily with Nathan and baby Sallade. Well other than all that I guess I don't have too much to say.... oh yeah, baby Sallade is due July 28, 2008, so that is the news for now. Later people.